in other news, my foray back into the world of blogging has, as you can readily tell, not been as successful as my inner optimist had hoped. sure, i can blame the nasty head cold that gripped me last monday night and hasn’t yet released me entirely, or the aching in my lower right back that threatens to take over my entire torso in a violent and painful coup at the slightest provocation. i could say i’ve been so enthralled with the drama surrounding the pending health care legislation that i haven’t been able to fully focus on much of anything else. all of that would be true, but i think the real culprit here is my sad, sad attention span. i’ve always suspected i might have a little attention deficit problem…it’s hard for me to stay focused on anything for terribly long. in the course of writing this so far, i’ve stared out the window for about 5 minutes, popped over and checked facebook (no new activity), played a quick round of solitaire, had a brief (and one-sided) conversation with heffer, watched a couple music videos on youtube, pondered taking a nap, and stared out the window again. oh, and i just spent another 3 or 4 minutes debating what i’m going to wear to work tonight. maybe after the little one makes his appearance and life gets back to some semblance of normalcy (you out there who already heave children, don’t laugh), i can talk to my doctor about the flightiness of my brain. for now, though, i think i might just go take that nap after all. it’s taken me 40 minutes to write this much, and my attention grows ever less focused…

oh, did i forget to mention that? well, i guess we have been out of touch, haven’t we? yeah, i’m at about 6 months now. maxwell benjamin’s estimated date of arrival is june 3rd, though i’m not putting any money on that. he’ll show up when he’s ready, and if he’s anything like his parents, he’ll be fashionably late. ben is absolutely ecstatic…in the nearly 12 years we’ve been together, i’ve never seen him this happy. and here i’d thought i couldn’t love him more than i did…

and as for me? man, i can’t even begin to name a single emotion that describes how i’m feeling right now. of course, i’m thrilled about being a mom. i can’t wait to finally get to hold max, to look at him, to just have him here on the outside and get to know him. and i’m nervous…i mean, this is HUGE. my life, our lives, will never be the same. this precious little person will be relying on us for everything. that’s a slightly intimidating prospect, no? and i won’t even get into the financial concerns, or the “oh god, we’ve only got 3 more months to prepare for this life-changing, earth-shattering event!” panic that sometimes grips me. i like to think that my emotions are along the same that i’d be feeling on the ride up the lift to go bungee jumping off something really huge, like the arch in st. louis, except i get a baby at the end.

there are some things about which i’ve definitely made up my mind. i definitely want to have natural child birth…no offense to my friends who’ve had c-sections, but i’m just not down. i definitely want to have ben there with me every single second through the labor and delivery. i thought i’d made up my mind that i wanted an epidural, but the more i look into it, the more i’m starting to question that decision…

mom: yeah. (seeing her daughter roll her eyes) what? i have a page!

teen girl (lifting the previously named book and reading the title of the next): and blogging?

mom: yes! i have a blog! is that so weird?

teen girl: yes.

me: no, what’s weird is when your mom friends you. i mean, how to do decline her request? (to mom) no offense…

teen girl: i’m on myspace.

mom: but your brother’s on facebook…

oh rachel…were we not both committed to other people and i were a little less intimidated by your razor wit and intellect, i’d offer to buy you a drink…

i just feel so…i dunno, dirty, unclean in a bad way, when that smug sonofa posts some snarky-yet-impotent political something-or-other, and guy-who-used-to-be-awesome-but-is-now-just-obnoxious makes some snarky remark about it. i know, i know, bad steph with the lack of bipartisanship. i love that our new president is big into the bipartisan spirit. i wish i could be that awesome. but i can’t…the truth is, after eight long years of republican rule, i am stoked about the new administration, and i want to dance around and laugh at the conservative tears of frustration and fall asleep to the gnashing of their teeth. i took (and, in many senses, am taking) great delight in watching the conservative empire crumble, and maybe i should also take delight in the toothless attempts by those folks on facebook to show a strong face, stiff upper lip, wot wot. maybe it should be so cute when they take comfort in their progressively-more-frantically-absurd rush tirades, like they’re huddling around a dying flame while the cold reality of a democratically-led government closes in around them.

it all sounds like a good idea as i write it here. but as soon as i go back onto facebook and see more of their shenanigans on my update page, i know i’ll just roll my eyes and debate once again whether i should just remove them from my list…

but that’s not what i’m here to talk about today. at this particular point, i’d like to talk about the facebook. because it’s seriously weirding me out, yo.

so here’s the thing…i joined facebook because all the cool kids here were doing it, and because a couple of friends that i wasn’t really keeping in touch with via more traditional methods started bugging me to start an account. and it was a great thing when i added them, and my other friends…i even found an old friend from my chatroom-dweller days! and then other old high school friends started adding me, and that was kinda cool, too. like, names i haven’t uttered aloud in over a decade, and hey, there they are! that’s kinda neat.

and then the people i didn’t know that well started adding me. people who weren’t necessarily not my friends, but also not really actively friends, either. the “oh, they were nice enough” types. and that was…well, okay, nice to see you too. also nice of you to not reply to the greeting i posted on your wall, but hey, you’re probably busy, right? right…

and now, i’m getting requests from people who wanted and had absolutely nothing to do with me back in the day. at this point, i’m fairly certain it’s just because we attended the same high school, and that’s alright, but…i dunno. it just kinda weirds me out a bit. you weren’t the slightest bit interested in me or my life back in high school, and it looks like that’s not changed much at all…except now, i’m a number in your roster, a quantitative representation of your online “popularity,” such as it is. looka how many people i know! i have over 300 “friends,” lurpa dur!

it’s the reason i stopped using sites like livejournal, and the reason i hesitated for so long in starting a facebook account. it’s just another way for a bunch of people who have something in common with me to add my screen name (or, in this case, real name) to the list they keep. in this case, the thing in common is a graduating class, a high school, a hometown. sure, i grew up with these people (except for the drum major, who was 2 years my senior, but even he added me, for some reason…). i knew them during my formative years. but i knew a lot of people during my formative years, and surprisingly, quite a few of them were assholes who i have no real desire to get back in touch with. some of them were bullies who made fun of my weight or the fact that my family was poor. some of them were completely indifferent to my existence altogether. and some of them were nice, but again, i’ve known countless nice people in my lifetime, and i don’t really feel the need to keep in touch with them.

maybe i’m being too sensitive. that’s usually the case. but i can’t help but feel that it somehow lessens the awesomeness of my really real friends to have them mixed in with the “okay they’re not really FRIENDS, per se, but we did go to high school together…” crowd. i think my problem is that i went to my high school reunion. i was romanticizing before that event about how cool all my old classmates would be after having 10 years to grow up. and then…well…suffice to say that there was much disappointment. if i have no intentions of ever going to another reunion, why would i want to take part in one online?

in the meantime, there’s a friend request that sits in my email inbox. he was a bit of a douche nozzle back in high school, but he also wasn’t at the reunion, so i’m almost forced to give him the benefit of the doubt…then again, my friend list is already a mishmash of friends, friends-of-friends, spouses-of-friends and used-to-knows (and one very cool sis-in-law), so does it really matter who i add anymore?

sheesh.

yes, snow. on the same day that the political sun will be shining full beams onto my tear-streaked face for the first time in eight long, frustrating, bitter years.

between back pain and american pride, you’ll find me today.

and see, when randy posted that in our chat room, i lol’d heartily. i might even have a history of lol’ing heartily at this man. but for all my delighted mirthful laughter, part of me really feels a profound amount of pity for him. i was there, once. believing in god, believing that any kind of homosexuality was a sin, believing that if i just put enough faith in god that he’d make it okay and make those feelings go away. it’s a terrible, lonely place, and the feelings i battled during that time i wouldn’t, in all seriousness, wish on my worst enemy. one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life, on every level, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, was the day i decided that i couldn’t continue to believe in this god who seemed to have forsaken me.

but then, maybe it’s because of that experience that i find myself with so little sympathy for the disgraced mr. haggard. the sadness i felt after my own fall gave way to anger, bitterness and cynicism. maybe i’ve turned into something of a job’s wife, chanting “curse god and die” (the death, of course, being spiritual). but see, i think i can grant myself a little lenience here…i really don’t think that homosexuality is a sin, and it angers me to no end the number of lives that have been ruined or even ended because of religions drilling this belief into their followers’ skulls. how many unhappy marriages because one partner (or maybe even both) felt that pressure to marry someone of the opposite sex, how many suicides because someone else couldn’t live with the fact of who they were…and all for what? mass homophobia?

i hope mr. haggard finds some peace. but if he remains so ignorant and deluded as to believe that he’s anything but gay (or bi at best), then he never will find it. and i can’t promise i won’t continue to lol at his expense for it.

then there’s the facebook. it would appear to be the new hawtness among the locals, and there have been some pokings and proddings for sweetie and me to start an account. i’ve been hesitant…i don’t even keep up very well with maintaining my blog and visiting the blogs of my friends, and i already have failed attempts on livejournal, myspace and aetheri under my belt. but then i got an email today from one of the friends i feared i had lost because of my keep-in-touch suckitude. she wants me to make a facebook account.

maybe i should. as much as i dislike social networking sites, maybe i should.

What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
wrote, organized and performed not 1, not 2, but 3 puppet shows for toddler audiences in the community (and oh, what fun!)

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i haven’t made any new year’s resolutions in over 10 years, and have no plans to start now, thank you…

Did anyone close to you give birth?
give birth, no. got pregnant, yes times three…

Did anyone close to you die?
no one close to me, thankfully…

What countries did you visit?
awesomegaria, sweetonia, and eastern radopolia.

(not really.)

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
a president that i can be proud of, who makes me weep tears of inspiration and hope, rather than bitter tears of anger and frustration…OH WAIT, I GET THAT THIS YEAR!!

What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a few, for reasons that are too personal to share even here…

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting my job at the library WOOOO!!

What was your biggest failure?
i suck so much at keeping in touch with people. i believe i lost a couple friends in 2008 for that reason…

Did you suffer illness or injury?
i was sick a few times, yeah…bronchitis and stomach bugs and what might’ve been a cold…

What was the best thing you bought?
that’s a tough question…but i think the digital frame we bought my mom for christmas might just win this catagory. the look on her face when she opened the box…

Whose behavior merited celebration?
um…well…i mean, everyone was pretty well-behaved, for the most part…?

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the bushies (same as it ever was)

Where did most of your money go?
yay mortgage…

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing iron and wine, wilco, and of montreal in concert (not all at once, sadly, but that’s still cool)…oh, and that whole election thing, yeah…(WOOOO PRESIDENT OBAMA!!)

What song will always remind you of 2008?
oddly enough, this one (yeah, i know it’s from 2007…)

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? i think i’m about the same. maybe a little happier, because new job meant more money, and more money means less me worrying about bills and such…
b) thinner or fatter? dunno about compared with this time last year, but as of a doctor’s appointment 3 weeks ago, i’m about 10 pounds thinner than i was in august!
c) richer or poorer? ever so slightly richer

What do you wish you’d done more of?
writing stuff other than puppet shows

What do you wish you’d done less of?
watching the telly

How did you spend Christmas?
shuttling between my family and sweetie’s family

Did you fall in love in 2008?
for the 10th year in a row, to the same wonderful man

What was your favorite TV program?
heh…um, let’s see…doctor who, torchwood, eureka, countdown with keith olbermann, the rachel maddow show, the daily show, the colbert report, days of our lives (shut up)…yeah, told you i needed to watch less tv…

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
i generally try not to hate people (unless they’re neocons)…

What was the best book you read?
“the book thief” by markus zusak was really good, as was “snow crash” by neal stephenson, and i also re-read “the westing game” by ellen raskin, which has been one of my all-time favorites since about 4th grade

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Blitzen Trapper (gotta go with the lovely mrs. esmon here)

What did you want and get?
a lappy!!

What did you want and not get?
financial independence

What was your favorite film of this year?
we didn’t watch too many films this year. i really wanted to like the x-files movie, and i think i’ve convinced myself that i did, but the dark knight was just incredible

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i took my first step beyond the doorway of 30 (hello 31…), and i pretty much sat around wrapping christmas gifts and feeling sorry for myself (until ben came home, and cooked me dinner, and made me feel beautiful and loved, like he always does)

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
the complete and total downfall of the neocon right (it sorta happened, but they’re still there, and that’s disappointing)

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
fashion? pfft, like i pay any attention to that…

What kept you sane?
you’re assuming i’m sane

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
um, no

What political issue stirred you the most?
OMG POLITICS…the author of this survey obviously takes for granted that some of us live for politics…

Who did you miss?
my family

Who was the best new person you met?
with two sets of friends getting married in 2008, i met a lot of new and groovy people. to name names would be to diminish the experience to a simple popularity contest.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
i’m quite often more blessed than i realize, and i should never take that for granted

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” – the beatles

not so this year.

granted, stuff at the library is busybusybusy as always…between the poetry workshop i’m doing and the renaissance fair a coworker and i are working on, as well as the usual librarian responsibilities, work is really work. and then, there’s the whole just-how-much-can-the-bushies-fuck-up-the-world-before-obama’s-inauguration drama that plays out on the news every day (surprisingly, or not, the answer is quite a lot). but that’s not what’s been keeping my attention so far this new year…no sir, i think the phone call i got at 9:30 am on saturday morning might’ve caused me much more concern. oh, i didn’t tell you about that? yeah. my sister tabitha called. seems my baby sister kayla swallowed a handful of prozac and was rushed to the hospital at 3 am that morning.

well, shit.

since long-winded explanations run rampant in my family, it took me a while to get the complete story. seems that kayla was trying to fall asleep, but her *cough*asshole*cough* husband curtis kept talking to some guy that had visited them. both were talking in a loud voice, and kayla at first took one of her sleeping pills. when they were still talking 2 hours later, she took 6 prozac, told curtis to go fuck himself, and went back to bed. curtis called an ambulance, kayla was rushed to the hospital and given the black liquid of pukey death to clear the drugs from her system.

oh, but that’s not all.

since curtis called it in as an attempted suicide, and given kayla’s long and varied history with mental issues, she was taken to an “institution,” as tabitha put it, for psychiatric observation. oh, and incidentally, tabitha was almost arrested for threatening to pummel some hapless nurse who wouldn’t let her in to see kayla at the hospital before kayla was taken away.

good thing we’re related to the sheriff…

so yeah. saturday morning was filled with phone calls to the family…and i can’t even come up with a word to describe those conversations. my normally calm and friendly mom was ready to cockpunch curtis (and possibly do more damage) because he called it in as a suicide attempt, which led to kayla being sent to the mental facility. my dad is convinced that curtis drove kayla to it. and tabitha’s always been a spitfire, but i could almost see the smoke curling out of her nostrils. i almost pity my brother-in-law. well, maybe i do pity him…kayla’s best friend bo, who is apparently waiting in the wings to sweep her off her feet if she ever leaves curtis, got blitzed out on something and went to the hospital for the express purpose of kicking the everliving scheisse out of curtis (apparently he only got a couple swings in before he was stopped by hospital staff). and since i couldn’t concentrate on anything (and didn’t want to leave the house, in case anything else happened), we ended up playing wow literally all day. yay productivity.

fast forward to yesterday, when i get a call saying that kayla’s been released from the mental hospital and is back home and resting. so i called her today…only to find that, of all my family, kayla was the calmest about the incident, almost to the point of complete and total nonchalance. on the contrary, rather than flip out, kayla made some new friends with some of the patients and nurses (“everybody loved me there, except spiderman, and he thought i was a bad guy”), got to experience ect (“dude, my brain is fried, man! but i’m remembering shit i haven’t thought of in a looong time…”), and even did some business (“yeah man, i traded my long sleeve shirt to this dude for his manson t-shirt, and he wants to buy one of my puppies when he gets out…dude, he likes pit bulls!”). oh, and turns out she took closer to 30 prozac, but lied about the amount so that mom wouldn’t get worried (because, you know, there’s a big difference between swallowing 6 pills and 30). she doesn’t know why she did it, doesn’t really remember doing it…only remembers an ambulance pulling up and that she said, “fuck off pigs, i didn’t do nothing” when the ems crew came inside.

that’s my baby sister.

so yeah. that was my weekend. and my day today, for the most part…we talked on the phone for over an hour, and now i gotta go take a shower and get ready for work. and i wish i could end this with “but hey, on the bright side, never a dull moment!” i wish i could, but right now, i could use a few dull moments. maybe a whole year of dull moments. that’d be nice…